Listening to Cascada at 3 AM

Every night you sing me
a wordless lullaby
with your touch and your eyes
a soft and sensual seduction,
lusting to know me better,
trying harder to please me than ever before,
holding me closer to you'
protecting me and demonstrating your love.
Each smile is a surprise
that steals my breath
and I am left in awe of you,
glowing with happiness
in your presence.
Even when you aren't here
I'm not alone.
Your love surrounds me,
encompasses me in it's warmth.
I don't deserve you
but I'm glad you disagree.

Self Inflicted Wounds

**Disclaimer: I am not suicidal. This is poetry, not my life story, but a metaphor to signify the inner turmoil that difficult decisions cause. No interventions, please!

The dotted lines on my wrist say
"Please cut here,"
and as fear wells up,
so does blood and tears.
The pain swells and swallows me whole,
and in my soul
I know that I am home once again.
The pain is a cold lover,
a faithful friend
Glittering rubies slide down my skin,
paper thin like sequins,
decorations for my harlequin charade,
followed by a wave of cynicism
before I lose myself.

Long sleeves hide this razor's teeth marks,
then I see you and the spark is there,
and all that's keeping us apart
is this bleeding heart
and these bandaged wrists.
The list goes on and on,
but is it so wrong for me to want everything
and nothing at all?
I want you.
I want to be left alone.
And I want you to figure it all out
so I don't have to.
And when you do,
I'm through with you,
I can't ever be with you
because you know too much.

Pretenses

These lines bend
as I try to walk the straight and narrow.
Breaking, turning,
consuming my mind
until I find my way back again.
Don't pretend to love me anymore
and don't pretend not to.
Facsimiles of smiles are all that keeps me going these days.
And what keeps you going?
Nothing more than panic and fear,
a masochist in every form.
The tears fall as I fade away.
Who wants to be hurt?
I do.
It's a need.
That's why I keep coming back.
Because the greatest pain of all
is trying to be without you
and failing.

Indecision

You kill me slowly with your absence.
Slow surrender sinks in
and I submerge myself in the cleansing water.
Washing myself anew,
washing you away.
I can't go under.
I don't want to lose you.
Every night, the demons visit me,
fine imitations but still a charade.
I know it's not you.
You would never do those things to me,
with me.
The things that leave me scarred inside and out.
It's better when you're gone.
It's better when you're here.
It's better when I'm nothing at all.

An Epidemic of Questions

You can only get there from here
But where is here?
An unconventional trip of memories and fears,
you can only get there from here.

Where is there and where are you?
Synchronizing time for quick follow through,
a solicited submission of yellow and blue.
I can get there, but not without you.

Why is it dark and what are those sounds?
Explore the pulse for expulsion on those grounds.
The water trickles over everything it surrounds.
And sooner or later it all comes down.

Who are you now and who am I?
Limited liabilities with a high supply,
hand prints darken cheekbones and eyes struggle to stay dry.
Who are you now and what am I?

I don't know where I'm going or for what.
Patterned dresses make illusions of fabric that is cut.
Psychedelic swirls surprise the doors that try to shut.
Where am I going and for what?

If You Look

Ceiling to floor
lined with hearts that ask for more
than what you have to give,
living in fear of starvation of love,
the creation of which
is passed on along the roads I travel,
they are so long
and is it wrong
to wander on
knowing that love is truly gone?

It's unfair to compare
all the mystery we shared
with those I suppose come crawling from below
and is is plain for all to see
that there is something wrong with me
you'll see it so clearly
if you look.

Cold

It's cold and I don't recognize anyone
including myself.
What's happening to me?
Once indifferent to this scene,
I thrive in it now,
the epitome of everything I don't want to believe in.
And now I desperately want this to be true.
Do I really belong to you
for eternity?
I'd give myself willingly if you'd let me,
you know that.
But then the standard line
about needing time
to think things through
and suddenly you remind me of how I got here in the first place.
And it's me who is doing the leaving tonight.
But where is there to go?
And now I'm alone without a home in this world,
empty inside
with nothing to say when you apologize
for finding a reason for me to be someone I never was in the first place.
And what is there to say?
The words are yours anyway,
I just parrot them back with a smile that's not real,
but I don't feel up to that right now.
I can't condemn myself to this life,
but I can't live without you either.
The ultimate conundrum, insurmountable.
So I shut up
and shut down
and shut everything out.
Where does that leave us?
Me here and you...not.
Exactly what I expected all along.